PARODY: A collection of previously unreleased parodies

To apologize for not posting more lately, here's some parody fun for you.

Blest Be the Ties that Bind
(tune of "Blest Be the Tie that Binds")

1. Blest be the ties that bind
Our pastor's hands with "love".
He must commune my Druid aunt
Or we will make him move.

2. Can you believe? That man
Had the audacity
To say it's sin for my girlfriend
To share a bed with me.

3. Our children memorize
That Catechism stuff.
He wants to test them in the church
Though we say it's too tough.

4. At Grandma's burial,
He said that it would be
Wrong to let pagan Auntie Dell
Dance for fertility.

5. We rule with iron fists
With money and with fear.
We will make both him and his wife
Break down in anguished tears.

6. From his closed-minded ways
And meddling we'll be free.
The elders soon will force him out.
Who needs the Word? Not me.

Great Is My Faithfulness
(to the tune of "Great Is Thy Faithfulness")

1 Great is my faithfulness. Why do I bother
Going to church when I'm better? You see?
I sinneth not. Thy compassions, I need not.
But I will give Thee my advice for free.

Great is my faithfulness.
Great is my faithfulness.
Do you not wish all the Church was like me?
I have no need
For what God has provided.
Great is my faithfulness.
Way to go, me!

2 I like to grease all the wheels of church justice.
All the advice they need, I will provide.
I speak today; Pastor is gone tomorrow.
After all, I am the one who should guide.

Great is my faithfulness.
Great is my faithfulness.
Do you not wish all the Church was like me?
I have no need
For what God has provided.
Great is my faithfulness.
Way to go, me!

Just a Closer Walk to Pee
(tune of "Just a Closer Walk with Thee", of course)

(refrain) Just a closer walk to pee
Build a bathroom is my plea
Outhouses are gross to me
Let me pee, dear Lord, let me pee.

1. Some can hold it all day long
Lord, my bladder's not that strong
Peeing pants in church is wrong
Yet I long, dear Lord, long to pee.

2. As I climb the outhouse stairs
I cannot quite make it there
Thankfully I brought some spare
Panty pairs, knowing this just might be.

3. When the sermon's fin'lly o'er
I will run to pee once more
While the elders hold the door
I think they might just build one for me.