Running on Empty

Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels
I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels
I look around for the friends that I used to turn to to pull me through
Looking into their eyes I see them running too
                                    --Jackson Browne, "Running on Empty"

A week ago today was the one-year anniversary of the day I was Installed as Pastor of St. Peter Lutheran Church in Campbell Hill, Illinois.  That means I've been back in parish ministry for a few days over a year now. In many ways, this has been the best year of my life. After over four and-a-half years in the "purgatory" of CRM status, the Lord has brought me to this place and these people to let me serve and love them and to be served and loved by them. The reception my family has received here has been nothing short of familial, which, especially after how Faith was received elsewhere, has been a balm. I'm serving a loving and faithful congregation with a Board of Elders who is supportive and encouraging; and as long as I faithfully preach and teach administer the sacraments, visit the sick and shut-in, and keep the parsonage lawn, things are quiet and peaceful. If I were inclined to complain--and y'all know I am capable of such things--I'd have very little to complain about, other than the cows sometimes being too loud across the alley from the parsonage. But we love "our" cows, especially the white one who stands alone in the herd.

All that being said, I will admit to a certain fatigue. It's been a hectic year. We moved our family and belongings, with me nearly breaking my neck in the process. (And yes, I still have pain and tingling and numbness in my left arm.) To justify the faith placed in me by the St. Peter congregation, I've thrown myself into this Call with a vengeance. But I've been a little stupid about it. I've gotten out of the practice of taking my regular day off, and I know better than that. I learned that lesson in North Dakota when I didn't take a day off between Christmas and Easter during my first year in parish ministry. After over four years away from full-time parish ministry, I wanted to make sure I didn't miss anything. I wanted to cover all the bases, dot the t's and cross the i's, so to speak. I had my mid-week Lenten sermon series written almost a month before Lent began. I've done the visits, written my own Bible study for our Sunday morning class, and preached every week since my Installation, except when we invited Southern Illinois District President Scharr to bring the Word to us. I've been involved in every youth group activity, and we're planning more--much to my delight.

But now I've got a case of the blahs. It's not a bad case of the blahs, but I've got 'em. It's not burnout. It's not depression. (Don't think I haven't considered that possibility.) My diagnosis: Part of it is not taking that regular day off. Part of it is that I'm in sore need of a vacation, and we had to cancel the one we had scheduled (we'd be in Louisiana right now) because of Mississippi River flooding and the opening of the Morganza Spillway, which even now is spewing water towards my wife's hometown. Part of it is that Faith and I haven't been out together since New Year's Eve, and I really miss my wife! Part of it is that I'm not able to regularly exercise because of my neck issues, and I really miss my exercise routine from my time at the Rec. I can swim and walk, and that's it. My knees make walking problematic, and the nearest year-round public pool is . . . Carbondale? (Yeah, this is me making excuses, blah, blah, blah. Get those new sneakers on and just do it.) 

More than those, I think the real problem is that I've not been as faithful in my prayer life as I know I need to be as a parish pastor. I wrote my MDiv thesis on the topic of daily prayer, and I know how important it is for everyone, more than just pastors. My copy of "The Treasury of Daily Prayer" is sitting on my desk as I type. It's not collecting dust--perish the thought! (I keep a notepad on top of it to keep the dust away.) I have numerous hymnals, Gerhard's "Sacred Meditations", "The Brotherhood Prayer Book", Lindemann's "The Daily Office", Loehe's "Seed Grains of Prayer", Dobberstein's "The Minister's Prayer Book", and half a shelf more. The discipline to open and use these resources is what's lacking. "The spirit is willing, but the flesh" and all that.

I don't write this seeking your pity or even your recommendations. I've heard them all. Twice. However, if you are so inclined, your prayers would be appreciated. As always.

"O Lord, open Thou my lips . . ."

On the reading of books

I recently read an excellent blog post by Pastor Peters on his blog "Pastoral Meanderings".  He writes as many thoughtful things in a day as I write in about a month . . . if I'm lucky.  Anyway, this blog post was about the necessity that pastors be readers of books.  It's an excellent post in an excellent blog, and I recommend both to your reading.

I have a pastor friend here in Illinois who gently mocks me because I have so many books.  I put up with it--in part because I know he reads at least as much as I do, though he now keeps his books in his Kindle since his collection was destroyed during Hurricane Katrina; and also because, despite his mockery, he helped me move 45 boxes of books into my study at church and another 45 boxes of books into Faith's study at the house.  He jokingly says, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."  He says it jokingly, but it has a serious undertone to it because there are people out there who take it very seriously. 

I read quite a bit, and I do so unashamedly.  It's one of the more important things I do, whether it's for recreation--and I do quite a bit of recreational reading, I admit--or for the purpose of writing a sermon or a Bible study, or for my continued theological education, or for my spiritual edification.  It is important that the members of my congregation know how much I care about them, how I love them with Christ's love.  But part of caring for them, part of loving them with Christ's love, is that I actually have some idea what I'm talking about.  If someone comes to me with a problem, it's all very well and good to tell them that Christ loves them and so do I.  It's important that I do so.  But I also want to bring the Word of God to bear on the situation, and it's important that it be the correct Word.

There's an old joke about a man who is trying to discern the will of God, but he can't figure out what to do.  So he pulls out his Bible, closes his eyes, opens the Bible to a random page, and puts his finger down on the page.  He opens his eyes and reads, "And Judas went and hanged himself."  Stunned he says, "That can't be right."  So he repeats the process, opens his eyes and reads, "Now go and do likewise."

If I don't study the Word, if I don't continue to learn as a pastor how to properly distinguish Law and Gospel, if I don't continue to grow theologically, I might as well just close my eyes, open my Bible to a random page, and put my finger down on a random verse.  The congregation in which God has placed me to serve deserves my best service; and that means I'm going to keep reading.


(By the way, the picture attached to this post is from my study.  It's not all my books, but it's a good portion of them.  I just hope the shelves don't fall on me.  It happened to me once in North Dakota.  My skull was fine, but the shell of my laptop computer was cracked.  And the clean-up?  *shudder*)

What are your priorities?

I'll be going on vacation this week, meeting my wife and children in the town where I grew up. There is a concentration of Lutheran congregations in the greater North Tonawanda area, and we've been thinking for months now about where we'd be receiving the gifts of God in the divine service. The easy decision would be to worship at the church I grew up attending. The problem is, the congregation has changed so much just in the nine years since I moved away that I won't feel as though I belong there. (Yes, I know it's not about how I feel, but we'll deal with that another day.) I'd prefer not to worship where the traditional service is in the minority of divine services offered.

That leaves a bunch of other congregations in the area. I've spent a lot of time on the Lutheran Church--Missouri Synod website searching the area churches for Communion services. One of the blessings of worshiping with the congregations of the greater New Orleans area is that almost all of the churches have the Eucharist every Sunday. In Western New York, this is not the case. For the most part, even the most "confessional" congregations don't offer the Eucharist every Sunday.

I've had a devil of a time finding that out, though. Most of the congregations have a website, but those websites don't say when the congregation celebrates the Lord's Supper. Are you looking for a blended or a contemporary or a "celebration" service? Check the website. Do you want to know when the congregation's softball team plays next? Check the website. Do you want to know when Gambler's Anonymous meets at the church? Check the website. Do you want to know everything about the grade school or preschool or daycare? By all means, check the website! But if you want to know when the Sacrament of the Altar will be offered . . . well, it may be in the fine print, but more often than not, it's not there at all.

What a congregation puts on its website obviously says a lot about the priorities of a congregation. The youth group is usually prominently placed, usually with a group picture in matching shirts. The ladies group also has a place of honor on the website. Don't get me wrong: these things are important in the life of the congregation. Never let yourself forget that these things are not nearly as important in the life of the Church as receiving the body and blood of Christ in the Lord's Supper, kneeling before Jesus to receive the gifts He has for you. While Martha worried about the fellowship hall, Mary was seated at the feet of her Lord where she belonged, receiving the one thing needful.

What is the priority of your congregation? How is that portrayed in promotional materials and especially on the website? Is the "one thing needful" your highest priority? If so, don't be afraid to say so--and not just to make it easier for me to find a church for vacation. Boldly confess your Lord and the gifts He freely and graciously gives you, and tell everyone else when they will be offered at your church. You don't have to hide your youth group or ladies group away. Just let them be where they belong: under the shadow of their Lord.